He uses pillows to masturbate.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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