Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
