i need an iv and a liver transplant
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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