i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
