I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
