she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
