the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
