I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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