my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
babies were throwing up all over the place
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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