If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
