Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
