allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
