I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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