Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
