Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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