Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
