Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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