well I can't set my house on fire every night
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
