God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
