I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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