everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
