I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
