i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Randomize
