Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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