very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just threw up on my dentist
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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