my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
