I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
