she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
