Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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