There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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