We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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