I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
if only i could text you this smell
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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