Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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