I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
