I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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