I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
