Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
