his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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