Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
