I CAN MOONWALK!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
