I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He did a backflip because drugs
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