I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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