I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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