I just pynch a tree in the face
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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