The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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