So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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