I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
