Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
