You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I wanna passion pit in your ass
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
