I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
