The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
